I'm afraid of loosing myself in having a baby.
I've been everything else but a mother.
I don't know who or what I am not,
I feel like I've lost it all on the way here.
It really scares me.
I feel like I've lost myself in an ocean of questions.
Which quest do I take next?

Why is it that when I need a real answer,
you say try again later.

That's not a sign or anything
*rolls eyes*

I sailed through life,
not the wind the waves or the earth could stop me.
I went on the path most traveled.
I've been doing just fine,
I wanted it all in life, but never did it.
I thought I had the drive, but it was never there.
I had the thoughts but not the gumption.
It's like I've been in a dream my whole life
and I'm just waking up.
Very few times has life been real for me.
It's all in my head, where do we go?
It's killing me that I'm just taking control.

I don't know where to start my new life.
I always knew I wanted a family of my own,
but I never knew how to have one.
Never really knew how to love someone.
I dreamed of this day and now that it is here,
I don't know what to do with it.
This new life makes me feel brand new.
But I'm also so confused,
I know how to be me,
I don't know how to be a mom.

This is all so real it seems fake.
I've never had to deal, and for the first time I have to deal with it.
I'm scared this will make my life fade,
and I wont do what I feel like I need to do.
This makes me scared. I worry all of the time I want to cry, but can't.
It all seems so unclear but in the long site I can see the clarity.

I've cruised through life and I've just come to a dead stop.

How can some people be such assholes!
God, I hate my so called friends.
There is a special place in hell for some people.
How can someone be so cold? Just leave me in the dark?
Because you lost your shot with me,
or I can't go get drunk with you?
FUCK YOU! I hate you, how can you be so heartless.
I have nothing further to say to you.
I was proved wrong about you.
I was lied to. I hope you crawl back into your hole.
Your life disappoints me.

You really know who has your back in life when major changes happen.
Some people run from you and some people get closer.
In my case a lot of people have run. How sad for you.
Because I can't be with you, or I can't go out and have a drink you don't want to be friends?
I guess, my life is better with out you while I go through these changes.
I have been going through so many things, and the one person in my life has been there.
Thank you for everything you do and I love who you are. I love you.
For those who have accepted and have been happy will be there for me.
You really know who your real friends are in the end.

Deep breaths and happy moments
Good news and shorter days.

Who knew pork chops were so good?

My stomach always hurts,
I seem to need to snack more often.
I'm always emotional.
Eating meat and dairy now.
No smoking, no drinking.
I'm always so tired!
It's still hard to believe I'm pregnant.
Like someone is just going to jump
out from a corner and say J/K LOL!
But no one ever will.
I know I love Tylor and he will be a good dad.
It's what I wanted for us someday,
but I didn't think someday would come so fast.
I'm just constantly worried about having a baby.
We're not married, it was unplanned and
neither one of us has ever had a stable job.
I know in my heart everything will work itself out.
It's all just so over whelming.

I'm scared and alone
the only person I want to be with right now
wants to spend time alone with his thoughts.
I need to be alone, but I don't want to be alone.

I found out I was pregnant 3 days ago.
These have been the hardest 3 days of my life.
I'm scared he wont want to be with me,
I know he loves me, but I feel so emotional.

God

Learning where I come from
about Croatia. The last time I will ever hear about it
from the last of the line that really knows.

Built my family tree today

Promoted to Salary today! Almost $30,000 a year.
I'm so excited, I've never been promoted like this.
I guess OAP can roll over in there grave for firing me.
This job is beyond what I thought it would be.

A few ones in,
how do you become close to some one that you know will die,
that you see the sickness in there soul, there eye's
I've avoided it my whole life,
I shunned my grandmother at her time, how can I do it with my own mother?
It's so hard for me that's she is sick, in such pain, that I can't help.
In hurt everyday, I feel such anger, and I feel the tears.
Yet I can't give her the love I need to show her.
I cry all of the time, yet she thinks I'm so angry, she think I hate her,
but I'm so hurt, I'm so scared, I love her to much.

Most people grow closer, I grow further, and grow habits.
How do I deal, how do I be free for me, have myself?
how do I not feel hurt. I want to help, yet I can't.
I feel such hate, yet I feel the pain, the hurt.
Why would anyone take a mother, not one like mine? Why

I have hard my time, yet I seem to push,
I cant let her in my heart, because of the future pain,
again my selfishness, I can't let that in my heart.
I'm just to scared. How do I become strong enough!

I have to many scars and to much hate.

I again catch myself fantasizing about leaving home,
about running away to somewhere cooler then this!
Like Seattle, Portland or maybe even out East with someone.

Slap in the face, reality check
I can't leave, not for the reasons you'd like to think though.
Not for the lack of courage,
or for the lack of can't do!

Day dreams keep me on the border of sanity.
Without them, I'd have nothing to look forward to!
Oh god, why can't you have some balls man!

This is one reason my friend is so awesome,
I had never read this until we watched DM!
And I loved what this had to say & just got me...
I love that he found this & well has no choice but to let me steel it!

I
Have
Learned
So much from God
That I can no longer
Call
Myself

A Christian, a Hindu, a Muslim
A Buddhist, a Jew.

The Truth has shared so much of itself
With me

That I can no longer call myself
A man, a woman, an angel
Or even pure
Soul.

Love has
Befriended Hafiz so completely
It has turned to ash
And freed
Me

Of every concept and image
My mind has ever known.

–Hafiz, Persian poet (1315 – 1390), translated by Daniel Lazinsky.

Enjoy that as much as I did.

something is calling me
something with the wind
with the earth,
something within my soul,
a spiritual awaking is coming
I feel it so much,
it screams inside of me.

There is a destiny that awaits,
that is scared will not get out.
Will my true gift be reveled?
Will I honor it?
I hope I will be comfortable with it
What is holding me back?
In my dreams you await.

It's been a long day,
it's been a long time since I felt so good.
I long for a place of my own,
I'm gaining faith in everything,
but I'm so lost in it all.

I used to have so much fear,
I used to be so scared,
god bless catastrophe.

It's all come and gone today.
It's been a long time since I've felt so great.
I had lost faith in everything,
I wish for a place of our own.
It's not so far away anymore.

I may have questionable actions,
but my feeling aren't questionable.

Here's a toast to love conquering all

Because I'm so bored.
Because I lack adventure,
because I lack a life,
I don't have the magic anymore.

I feel so blue,
so tied up in life.

* Sigh * not living to fight another day...

Someone please help!

It's hard to decide what I really want,
freedom or the relationship that ties.
It would be different if we weren't such opposites.
We love each other, but is love going to be enough?
I wanna spend a life time together,
but will it be a life that I want?
He hides such a big part of himself from me,
when I don't hide even the smallest part of my life.

Will it ever change?

We had a fight & broke up, so emotionless.
6 hours later, there was a decision,
that he didn't really mean what he said.
He was just having PMS & really didn't
want to waist anytime not being with me.
But since then, I resent,I'm mad & confused.
Did you really mean that you couldn't be with me,
or did you say it to hurt me, so I would go away?
What's the problem, did you think that you could run away,
what did you think that I was going to say anything?
Do you wanna change, do you wanna stay?
You love me, but you're confused if you wanna be with me.
Is there a never ending adventure in our future,
or is there sleepless, boring nights.
Your harsh word still keep me up at night,
thinking of a love I once lost, thinking, would it all
end up the same way? Ashamed and alone.
Is it really meant to be, or a lesson learned in time.
Patience is wearing thin & I can force my eye's to see the end.
Is love supposed to be so hard, I wanna make it last forever,
but I don't want to be the only one that wants that.
I have a life time to figure out life, but I don't want to spend
my whole life, figuring it all out, I refuse.
There's no one that is not judgmental in my life, to help sort it all out
What happened to my price...

I'm exhausted,
My body is warn.
My heart is uneasy.
My eye's burn from the tears.
I'm very confused.

I love you.
I want to spend my life with you
My heart feels weak after the beat

Look to the future, think positive & nothing could stop us

I don't know what happend the other night
but it blew up like world war 3 in my living room
one sec it's peacful & the next me and Tyson
are ripping each other's throat out
I've never really fought with him before.
He's my best friend & the next thing I know,
he thinks I'm the most selfish person in the world
he can't wait to get away from his family.
I'm the only person that has consistantly been there for him,
gave him a friend when he needed one & helped him when needed.
Stuck up for him when no one else would & understood him,
when he needed to know that someone would.
He never tried to let me down, yet I feel his anger run
through my vains.

I'm soar all over & there are bruises hurt ego's
He never said he was sorry, he never felt bad?
I know Tylor doesn't like him in the first place,
but this puts a bigger dent in there friendship.